Beta #3

My third beta came back great at 203. And while for some reason I wish it was higher still I know that the only thing that matters is the doubling rate. And mine is more than tripling in 48 hours. but anxiety is getting me.

I'm feeling very, VERY pregnant. I've got incredibly sore boobs, extra emotional, tiny bit of queesiness in the very early am and around dinner time. I haven't had much heartburn since my last pregnancy and yet I've got it right now so I'm wondering if it's the beginning! I'm also fighting the urge to nap after work each day...wait, and on the weekend! And lastly, all I can think about is how I want a coca cola and some pepperoni! I don't even like pepperoni! Well unless it's on a pizza but I find it disgusting all by itself! Apparently, not anymore!

So to my knowledge I won't have any more betas. We went ahead and set up my first ultrasound for next Monday when I'm 5w4d along.

I can't wait!!!

A phone call

I got a call from Dr. Ego's office today at 5:23. I have no idea why and of course I was taking a nap and they didn't leave a message. Now I'm freaked out. What if my betas were all wrong?!

I don't really know how anything could he wrong but it just worries me since I wasn't expecting a call from them. and seriously they should know better than to not leave a freaking message when they call a panicked pregnant woman!

It made me cave and go buy more pregnancy tests. I just needed some reassurance that they weren't actually calling to tell me they made a mistake and my betas had dropped rather than risen. But thankfully the line is darker. I know that doesn't really mean much but for now it's all I've got.

While getting my pregnancy test at Walgreens I was actually hit on by the clerk! I mean really?!? I was buying a PREGNANCY test. I would have thought that was a turn off! Not to mention my wedding rings! Oh well...I suppose I was a little flattered too.

Four Weeks Today!

Today I am 4 weeks pregnant.

I'm so glad to be able to write that!

So I had my second beta and I'm happy to report great news. In only 40 hours it more than quadrupled to a 32!

I'm so, so, so, so, soooo freakin' relieved here!

I'll go back on Monday morning to test again and I'm quessing in that time frame we should expect it to quadruple again.

Beta #1

Ugh... Nerves. Nerves. And more nerves.

Let me go over this timeline with ya....

I took a test at 4pm at 11 dpo and got the faintest line I've ever heard of on my FRER (the one that measures 6 days early and claims to pick up an HCG of 25 but I've heard as low as 12.5). At 12 dpo I tested again in the am and pm. Both lines are a tad bit darker than the previous but very faint still. Clear blue digital (measures 25) and FR Gold Digital (measures 18) were both negative at 12 dpo in the pm. I also had betas checked around 4 pm at 12dpo. I took another this morning. No darker than the last one from yesterday. I took another at 4pm today and I finally see a "normal" line. Still light but an obvious pink line. I took the same two digitals as before at the same time and got positives on both!

Finally!

So here is where I'm really confused. Yesterdays blood draw showed a SEVEN! Yeah a 7!

How in the world was it only a 7 a full 24 hours after my first positive!?!?

I'm scared.

Thank God the digitals turned. I'm praying that means the number tripled in just 24 hours.

I'm so flippin' terrified.

Today

I took the morning off because I thought the doctors office would want me to come in this morning for my beta rather than right after school yesterday. I was already scheduled for tomorrow morning for the beta check they make me do just to see if it's safe to stop progesterone. It was supposed to actually be this morning but they were booked up before school started. So since I knew that I went ahead and put in for a sub.

Wow....that was all unnecessary information, lol. I guess all I needed to say was I have the am off and nothing to do!

Last night I wrote that my pregnancy test might be getting darker but for the record I think I was being a Negative Nancy because it's waaaay darker. Well maybe not waaaay but it's darker! I'm content. I'm positive I'm pregnant today. And I'm doing my best to only focus on TODAY.

If I let myself think about trying to get through the next 36 weeks I think I'll lose it. So I just need to get through today.

I'm still not excited. But I'm getting there. Slowly. I also find that I'm missing Hannah and Audrey more than ever right now. Being pregnant again makes me remember what it felt like with them and just how much I loved being pregnant with them. I joke with Brian that the third time has to be a charm because my short fingers can't hold a third remembrance ring!

I called my mom yesterday to tell her. It was kind of a humorous conversation. With Hannah we made a big announcement on Christmas morning with a gift for everyone that included her ultrasound picture. With Audrey we went to their house with the test in hand. But with this baby I just called. And I said dryly, "well, I'm pregnant." My mom said, "Oh, okaaay." I told her she could tell Dad but no one else.

And I know it's not that she isn't happy but she's just like me. It's scary. Our conversation sounded like we were discussing the weather which kinda made us laugh.

Still pink

It *might* be getting darker but the stupid thing is so light I still wonder if I'm imagining it.

Really frustrating. With my previous pregnancies there was never any doubt. That second line came up fast and dark....even at 10dpo! And I was able to confirm on a digital.

Truthfully right now I still feel like I might not even be pregnant.

I did go in for betas today. I'll know tomorrow afternoon/ evening.

A third loss will literally kill me.

Anyway.... I realized I totally slacked on Brian's job status update. He got a job two weeks making more than his previous job! I feel bad that I didn't even think to mention it before now. My husband rocks at what he does....but don't ask me to explain it beyond, "he makes maps"!

Well that's all for now. I will update tomorrow.

Um...I think....

I'm pregnant. I think so.

I took a test and it's got a second very, cery, extremely faint pink....um....I think it's pink....line.

Can you sense my astonishment and disbelief?

I'm not excited or happy yet. Just kind of numb with my hopes up. Of course I didn't save my pee that I held half the day just for this test so when I retested with a digital it was negative. So I'm still not sure.

The last two days that I tested I got very obvious evaporation lines so I'm not convinced it's not that... I even dipped one test in plain water to see the evap line for comparison and I'm still thinking I might be pregnant....

Wow.

Tucker

Sorry I haven't been updating any. My laptop has a virus and I haven't gotten it fixed yet. So I finally just grabbed my school laptop and brought it home.

I don't suppose I really have much of an update in all honesty.

Nothing more has changed. I'm 10 dpo today. Of course my hopes up that maybe, just maybe we won't even have to bother with IUI. But yeah...we'll see.

One really good thing that has happened since I last wrote is that my cousin moved out. I love my cousin. I really, really do. But when she moved here back in March from Colorado I honestly thought she would be staying with us for 3 months max. It got to the point where I was really depressed about her being here. Brian and I had absolutely no privacy. We don't have a big house. 1200 sf, 3 bedrooms, only one bath. It is just fine for the 2 of us...

We'd try to have some time alone and we had to go lock ourselves in our own bedroom just to watch a movie ALONE together or to have a private discussion...and even then we had to whisper because her room was right next to ours (of course everything is right next to everything else in a 1200 sf house:). And it really did not help in the TTC process. Its bad enough when you feel pressured to time sex...its even worse when someone else is in your house and then you really lose all sponteneity!

I feel terrible for how badly I hated having her live with us. But I really hated it. But just in the week since she has moved out  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm finally enjoying the fact that my best friend actually lives in the same city that I do after a lifetime of being in two different states. I'm actually enjoying her company now that its a choice and not because she's living in my house...know what I mean?

The only other news is pet related. We have a new dog...for the time being. I rescued a tiny, skinny, pathetic, and rather ugly little puppy this past Monday from the parking lot at the school where I teach. I kept him in my classroom bathroom all day. Let me tell you the kids loved that once they realized why I was sending them down the hall to use the restroom that day. Of course I wouldn't let the kids touch him but I did let them all look at him. I'm pretty sure I might have gotten in some trouble for having a dog in my bathroom but I really didn't care. He was so tiny and sickly I coudn't leave him.

So he's home with us now and we've named him Tucker. And just in one week of actually being fed he looks so cute! He's sooo sweet and well behaved. He's already crate trained and doesn't bark or whine. He's put on some weight and we took him to the vet for shots and an exam where he was treated for worms but otherwise very healthy! He's about 17 weeks old and is a terrier mix of some sort. He's 13 lbs now and probably won't be more than 30 pounds full grown.

Even Brian who was threatening to send me out to the garage to sleep with this new dog loves him too. (Brian's not as tough as he likes to make others think:)

But that being said I don't want to keep him. So if you know of anyone who might be interested let me know!

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A ridiculously long update

I forgot what a pain in the bootie it is to get a blog looking good! My background looks all funny, like there is a piece of plastic covering it up making it look faded. I'll have to work on that! As well as a lot of other things.

But first I wanted to write! It's been so long!

So here goes....an update on me! And all that is going on...the good, the not so good, and the kind of funny.

The zoo is still good. All SIX of them...SIGH....yes, there are six now. Although our portion of the pet family hasn't grown. My cousin's portion has. A few weeks ago a kitten was found in the girls' bathroom at school and me being the sucker that I am took the little guy home. Luckily my cousin wants to keep him so once she moves out he will go too. As well as her pain in the butt German Shepherd mix. Then we'll be back to our four, which is plenty...especially since our two cats only come in to eat or during bad weather.

Speaking of my cousin. She had her brain surgery two weeks go. For those who don't know. About a month ago she suddenly lost vision in the left half of her left eye. As in one minute she was looking at the TV and the next she realized something was wrong. She covered one eye at a time and realized that literally split down the middle of her left eye she was completely blind! Thirty minutes before she was seeing just fine. She's 29. This wasn't normal.  I knew the minute she said she lost her vision that it was a brain tumor. I of course kept that tid bit to myself. About two years ago she saw a fertility doctor because she hadn't had a period in 10 years and even then they only came once a year or so every since she was 13 or so. This doctor was a joke and told her she had PCOS despite not having any cysts on her ovaries or any other sign of it. He did some blood work to see if she might have a pituitary tumor because that would explain everything. But he never did an MRI.

Wouldn't it make sense to do a flippin' MRI on a patient who you suspect might have a brain tumor?!

Anyway, she made an eye appointment and the eye doctor immediately referred her to a neuro-opthamologist. I went with her and since she's a bit shy with medical stuff I spoke up for her and mentioned that she hadn't had a period in years and that I thought it was a tumor. The doctor agreed and ordered an MRI.

We got the results a few days later. And wouldn't you know it was a giant ass tumor! A little bigger than a golf ball, located near her pituitary but not a pituitary tumor, rather something called a craniopharyngioma. It had gotten so large that it was squishing her pituitary thus causing her fertility issues and was also pressing on her optic nerve and screwing up her vision.

So on September 27th they took her in for surgery and removed it. She is doing fabulous! She's been home for a week now. You'd barely know she had anything done to her! She's having issues with her kidneys, her thyroid, and a few other things...but all are fairly common issues as her body gets used to all its been through and as her pituitary kind of relearns how to take care of things since it hasn't functioned properly in 10+ years. She had  a recheck with the neuro eye doctor a few days ago and her vision is almost back to normal...just a small portion of her eyesight is still gone but there is a good chance even it will return. As for hormones and ovulation we'll know within a year if that returns to normal. The good news is that it all should!

And now we pray that the tumor never comes back. While it is not cancer it does still have a high recurrence rate. She can pretty much expect for it to return at some point in time. But hopefully it will remain as slow growing as it was the first time around so she won't have to deal with it for another 20 years or more!

Let's see. What else? Oh yes, how could I forget.

Two weeks ago yesterday, Brian and I bought a beautiful dark blue Ford F-150. 4-door, leather, wood grain...you name it this truck has it! But then wouldn't you know...

Three days later the company Brian works for let everyone go. We laugh about it mostly. I mean its not like there is anything we can do and there certainly isn't any point to freaking out. We still have my job which is enough to cover MOST of our expenses (lol, but certainly not his new truck). We have about 3 months worth of savings as well. So we're just trying to live like we're broke. And pray that something good comes along. Luckily, he's been doing some side work over the last couple weeks and really hasn't had a day of lost pay yet. But side work isn't a steady source of income and there is no guarantee from one week to the next that something will come up. He does have one job offer on the table but it would require him to be out of town 4 days a week and that just isn't option. I'd rather be broke.

I'm still oddly really calm about the finances and job status right now. I do have a tad bit of anxiety over it especially after the news we got at my last RE's visit. But for some reason I'm mostly just calm and figure its got to all work out eventually.

The last 3 months I've been dealing with a new problem...the low progesterone. The first month the nurse assured me that it could very well be a fluke and not to get upset over it. The second month they still weren't overly concerned but the third month that it was low I asked for an appointment to discuss options and was worked in this past week.

I honestly thought Dr. Ego was going to tell me that it wasn't a big deal. That none of it was a big deal, the low progesterone, the lack of pregnancy after 6 months of TTC. But instead he seemed concerned. He said it isn't unusual for women who have recurrent losses to also deal with infertility shortly thereafter. I think he called it "decreased fertility" maybe. I can't remember and for once didn't bring a pen with me! He just said it all goes hand in hand. Obviously having losses isn't a guarantee of infertility later on any more than infertility is a guarantee of losses but the chances are just increased. Oh lucky, lucky me!

I thought he would just recommend some Clomid. Actually I really thought he was just going to send me on my way and tell me I was overreacting but I thought I could convince him to just give me Clomid for a few cycles.

Instead, he wants to do IUI. Yep, IUI. ME. IUI.

Me, the girl who got knocked up really fast the first two times.

IUI.

It's almost funny to me. Because IUI was not something I would ever have to do. The one thing I thought I had going for me was that I was able to get pregnant fast. Yeah not so much. It's funny that one of the biggest fears I had about waiting the six months to TTC again after our last loss was the fear that something would go wrong, that we'd waste too much time and in that time frame a new problem would arise and I'd not be able to get pregnant at all, that I'd lose my only chance. Funny  how that works out, huh?

But despite my complete shock to be here, I'm not upset at all about having to do it. I'm nothing but excited for it. I have REALLY good feelings about it. I just know it is going to work. Ever since we started TTC back in February I just knew that it wasn't going to work. I had no positive vibes about it. I mean I had hope but there was something that told me that it just wasn't going to happen. Now I've got a good vibe back. Something stronger than just a bit of hope.

That being said I fully expect to freak out and have some serious doubts while in the middle of it all next month.

And I'm fearful about how many times we'll have to do it before it works. At $1000 each cycle and Brian having no steady job....uhhh....it's a little scary!

We're giving this month one last try au naturel. I expect to ovulate tomorrow or maybe the next day. So we'll see. It would be grand to not have to even worry about IUI at all.

So that is my update! It's good to be back to blogging!

Now if I can just get my lovely followers to follow me!

Starting over

I couldn't come up with a better way.  So starting over seems like the only thing that makes any sense. I hate to do it. I love my old blog. But I need a private place to vent about EVERYTHING and sometimes that means EVERYONE too.

So my disclaimer is this: If you found this blog and I know you in real life then that means you were digging for it because I've made it as anonymous as I can without being completely private and using an alter ego. If you know me in real life and weren't invited here by ME then you aren't really welcome here. I'm well aware that someone could easily find it if they really wanted to (especially once I start following the same blogs as I was on my old account and old followers following me here) but I'm asking that you respect my privacy and don't get your panties in a wad if I say something that you don't like. Because after all....this is like a private club...and you weren't invited.Unless of course you were invited. :)

My other blog will remain open and public too. I will still update it with information that I don't mind the whole world knowing. And with information that I don't mind discussing with you over a casual lunch. But this one remains MINE.

I'm actually kind of excited!